I recently read a book called "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, it gave me good insights about relationships, different types of people in a relationship, their triggers & the way they react.
Here's a quick summary:
Adult Attachment and Relationships
Adults form emotional bonds in romantic relationships in ways that are similar to how children bond with their parents. This is not accidental. Human beings are biologically wired to attach to a few important people and to seek closeness with them.
This need for connection is controlled by the attachment system. The attachment system is a set of emotions and behaviors that helps people stay close to those who make them feel safe and supported. This system does not disappear after childhood. It remains active throughout adult life.
When a relationship feels secure and reassuring, the attachment system stays calm. When closeness feels uncertain or threatened, the attachment system becomes activated and pushes a person to restore connection. Wanting reassurance or closeness is not a weakness. It is a normal human response.
Attachment Styles
Adults generally show one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant. These styles influence how people experience intimacy, distance, and conflict in relationships.
People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with closeness and independence. They usually expect their partners to be emotionally available and supportive. They communicate their needs clearly and are able to handle conflict without extreme reactions. Relationships with secure individuals tend to feel stable and emotionally safe.
People with an anxious attachment style are highly sensitive to emotional distance. Even small changes in closeness can cause worry and distress. When the attachment system is activated, attention becomes focused on getting reassurance. Emotional calm often returns once reassurance is received. This intensity can feel very strong, but it is driven by anxiety rather than love. Love, from an evolutionary perspective, is associated with safety and peace of mind.
People with an avoidant attachment style associate intimacy with a loss of independence. Closeness can feel uncomfortable or overwhelming. To manage this, avoidant individuals often suppress their attachment needs. This may show up as emotional withdrawal, focusing on a partner’s flaws, idealizing past relationships, or placing excessive importance on self-reliance. Although they may appear unaffected, avoidant individuals often experience lower satisfaction in relationships.
Dependency and Independence
Emotional dependency is often misunderstood. When attachment needs are unmet, people become preoccupied with relationships and emotional security. When these needs are met, people tend to become more confident, more independent, and more focused on other areas of life. This idea is known as the dependency paradox.
When Attachment Styles Interact
Some attachment style combinations are especially difficult. A common pattern is the anxious–avoidant dynamic. Anxious partners seek closeness to feel calm, while avoidant partners pull away when intimacy increases. Because resolving conflict creates closeness, avoidant partners may resist resolution, which increases anxiety in the other partner. Without awareness, this cycle can repeat.
Moving Toward Security
Attachment styles are stable but not fixed. With awareness and experience, people can move toward greater attachment security. Clear and effective communication plays an important role in this process. Expressing needs honestly, calmly, and without blame helps regulate emotions and also shows whether a partner is capable of meeting those needs.
Secure partners often help create emotional safety through consistency and responsiveness. Over time, this can increase attachment security and improve how people experience closeness and conflict.
Conclusion
Attachment needs are natural and lifelong. Understanding attachment patterns helps people recognize predictable behaviors instead of blaming themselves. With awareness and secure behaviors, relationship patterns can change.
This book is a must read if you constantly struggle in relationships, it helps you give a new perspective and ways to deal in a conflict.
Book link:
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